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Go home, Yankee, go home! And other observations from a night at the ol’ sports bar


Monday night I had a chance to go to Tropicana Field, root for the Devil Rays, annoy the New York snowbirds who flock to Tampa until mid-spring, and hang out with Erin Andrews. Unfortunately, I failed to seize the opportunity. Non carpe contestium. Or something like that.

So instead of a night at the Trop, I am dragging you along to a night at the local sports bar. There was quite the buffet of sports entrees Monday night and I am going to try to keep my head on a swivel and comment whenever possible.

On tonight’s menu of viewing entertainment we have: the aforementioned Devil Rays vs. Yankees, the Orlando Magic versus the Detroit Pistons, the Florida Marlins versus the Atlanta Braves, the Dallas Stars versus the Vancouver Canucks, WWE Raw, and some UFC event on Spike TV.

Ok, we are starting the diary a little late, but here goes …

9:23 — Bottom of the 6th – Devil Rays 7, Yankees 6. Good to see. Delmon Young at the plate, with a chance to put some more on the board. Ground out. Inning over. By the way, let me be the first to say Young looks a little like Bubba from Forrest Gump. I know that is mean, but it’s true.

9:36 — Detroit 91, Orlando 83, 53.5 seconds left. Looks like my darkhorse pick over at YAYsports is going to be down two games to none. Not that the Magic had that much of a chance anyway. Detroit has too much firepower, too much experience, and too much depth. Rasheed Wallace and the collective shells of what is left of Chris Webber and Antonio McDyess equal more than Dwight Howard.

9:40 — Wow. Erin Andrews looks hot. Hey, 2nd and 3rd Devil Rays after a double by Elijah Dukes.

9:40 — How does Dwight Howard only have 7 points? As much as I dislike Vince Carter, he might not be a bad pick up for the Magic in the offseason. Somebody has to score on that team. J.J. Redick The Second Coming of Trajan Langdon is not the answer.

9:45 — WWE update – We have Carlito, a short Hispanic guy with a huge Ben Wallace-like ‘fro taking on The Giant Khali, a 9 foot tall mute mound of muscle. Needless to say this was over quick. Carlito should have just kicked Khali in the jewels. You gotta do something, right?

9:49 — Back to the D-Rays – B.J. Upton with a 3-run base-clearing double. Take that, obnoxious ex-New Yorkers. As a Floridian, nothing is more annoying than some of the New Yorkers who move down and refuse to assimilate. Not all, but most of them should turn right back around and go back where they came from. True story, some ex-New Yorker was bitching to me one day about how it was so expensive to live in Tampa and how it was the same cost-wise as living in New York. I politely told him to look at North Florida, where the cost of living is lower than it is in Central Florida. His response, “Is it built up there? Because I don’t want to live in the middle of a desert.” A desert. In Florida. You can see my frustration.

9:57 — After the Magic lost 98-90, the Utah Jazz began their quest to even their series with the Houston Rockets. The Jazz started hot.

10:00 — By the way, the Marlins won 8-7 over the Braves. Hopefully, the Mets are up on the Rockies. Jason Voohrees The Braves must be buried early in the season.

10:02 — Ok, when I sat down there were maybe 10 people in the whole place. In the last few minutes I have been surrounded by what has to be the biggest gathering of Utah Jazz fans in Florida. Seriously, one of them even has a red Utah 50 jersey. Not sure who or what that is. Might have to look that up.

10:04 — WWE update – Rapping commando John Cena is taking on ageless wonder Shawn Michaels. If only Brett Michaels’s career had the staying power of his wrestling namesake. Then he might have given me something to believe in.

10:11 — With 15 points in the first quarter, Carlos Boozer on pace for a 60 point night. And one of the gentlemen near me mentioned WWE was popular on his mission. Bigger shock, that what he said might be true, or the fact that these people were really from Utah?

10:17 — Well, what do you know, the Devil Rays bullpen actually showed up to work tonight. After blowing nearly every game so far this season, one of the Rays relievers just struck out Johnny Damon with the bases loaded. Rays up 10-6 going into the bottom of the 8th.

10:23 — Uh oh, it suddenly got quiet in here. Skip 2 My Lou just nailed a three, making it 28-24 Utah. There goes that fast start.

10:29 — The Devil Rays’ Al Reyes just struck out Derek Jeter looking to start the ninth. Nice. I’m happy. Two more outs and I’ll be ecstatic. By the way, I wonder if Devil Rays superfan (sans cape) Jenn Sterger was at the Trop tonight? (Yes, that was a shameless plug and a cheap excuse to post her picture.)

10:34 — A-Rod just homered for the second time tonight. He is on a pace for 128 homers. That might break Bonds’s record. Devil Rays still up by two.

10:36 — WWE update – Cena and Michaels are still tossing each other around in what may be the longest match in WWE Raw history.

10:37 — Devil Rays win! Devil Rays win! A-Rod: 4 for 5, 2 home runs, and a bunch of RBIs in a losing effort. I hope he has a great season, wins the MVP, the New York fans fawn over him, then he gives them a big middle finger and opts out of his contract.

10:41 — Wow, who is the girl in the RGX bodyspray commercials? If anyone knows, clue me in. She is gorgeous.

10:45 — Utah-Houston tied at 39. The Utahites Utahians Utahers people from Utah are not happy. Has there ever been a Mormon riot outside of Utah? If it happens tonight, I will be here to bring it to you live.

10:49 — Cena-Michaels are still going at it. This is rather impressive. Maybe the other wrestlers didn’t show up tonight, forcing Cena and Michaels to do the whole show themselves. These guys are really beating the hell out of each other.

11:00 — Almost forgot. We have hockey on. Stars 1, Canucks 1 beginning of the 3rd period. And that may be the first time I have ever mentioned a hockey score on The Serious Tip.

11:01 — Ummm … er … uh … the TV next to the hockey game has on the Best Damn Sports Show on location at a Hooters Swimsuit Pageant. Lisa Dergan, Brooke Burke, and dozens and dozens of other women I wouldn’t mind in my harem. I wonder how religious the gang of Jazz fans are. Would they object to me asking the bartender to put the bikini contest on the projector screen?

11:14 — Vancouver 2, Dallas 1. Someone scored I guess. Sorry, there were Hooters on the other TV. Apparently, my previous question was answered when one of the girls of the Jazz fan gang disapproved of a guy in their group watching the Hooters. She called him “an idiot” for oogling lustfully.

11:17 — SportsCenter is on one of the projection screens now. Am I the only one who thinks John Clayton looks like a grown-up version of the old Nintendo mascot Nester? Maybe it’s his odd shaped head.

11:20 — Swimsuit competition time on the Hooters channel. For the love of all that is holy. If it lasts for more than four hours, I might have to call a doctor.

11:24 — Good one in Houston. 58-58 with 4:30 left in the third quarter. The Jazz fans look deflated.

11:29Beverly Mullins. Representing Tampa to the fullest. Do your thing, girl.

11:33 — There is actually a contestant representing the first Hooters restaurant wearing a sash that says “Miss Original Hooters”. Sorry to disappoint, but there are few, if any, “original hooters” in this contest.

11:37 — Houston 67. Jazz 62. End of the 3rd quarter. Vancouver 2, Dallas 1. Three minutes left.

11:42 — Mehmet Okur of the Jazz just scored his first basket of the game two minutes into the fourth quarter. If they lose they should blame him. He is now 1 for 8 from the field. I thought he was an all-star or something.

11:48 — Game over in the NHL. Vancouver over Dallas 4-1 in the first Game 7 of the 2007 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs. Meanwhile, the Rockets have a 10 point lead now over the Jazz with 8 minutes left.

Midnight — Congratulations, Miss Anna Burns. You have won the Hooters Swimsuit Pageant. Needless to say, when Anna Burns wins, we all win.

12:01 — Down goes Williams. Down goes Williams. The Jazz fans are not happy. If Deron Williams does get up before a 10 count the Jazz might as well throw in the towel for this series. (I know, the boxing reference are lame. It’s late. I apologize.)

12:07 — 84-80 Rockets, with 3:13 left in the fourth. Houston, we have a game.

12:10 — Back to a 10 point lead with 2:11 left and the fine people from Utah have all but given up on their Jazz. Too much McGrady.

12:16 — 94-88 Houston. 14.5 left on the clock and T-Mac on the line. 95-88. It is now a three possession game. Yeah, it is over.

12:22 — 98-90. We have a final. Finally. I am going home.

– Jordi


2 comments on Go home, Yankee, go home! And other observations from a night at the ol’ sports bar

  1. Hey, you guys keep them New Yorkers down there. Don’t send them this way, we don’t want them, either!

  2. Ha, I don’t want to speculate on what percentage of slow day traffic to my site is google searches for Jenn Sterger or Erin Andrews. I unfortunately totally understand.

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