I’m to blame and I am sorry

By | September 29, 2007
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I know I said I would never post about relationships on The Serious Tip, but I am currently facing so much stress that I have to let it out here. I’m sorry, but as you read, hopefully you’ll understand why I am making this exception.

They say long-distance relationships never work. They say you have to see your love at least every so often for the relationship to stay fresh. For quite a while now, I have been in a long-distance relationship. This relationship is now destroying me. My long-distance love is making me feel horrible inside while another more local interest is piquing my interest. I feel guilty. I feel torn.

My relationship with my original love started years ago, before I moved down south. We saw each other quite a bit, and when I couldn’t see her in person, I would listen to her every word almost every night. I grew to care for her very deeply. It was love. But then my family made me move to Florida.

As the years went on and I began my new life as a Floridian, my healthy obsession with my original love stayed with me. Even when a peer of my original love came to my town every spring, it only heightened my love, as I was able to see her when she came into town. I would even say my love grew stronger during this time, as I still was interested in her every move. She continued to be my life.

I must admit to a bit of infidelity here, however. There were times I would hang out with my original love’s peer and a few others. But it was only because I needed something to do. There wasn’t the spark there was with my original love. Her peer was cool, very interesting, and fun to hang out with. We knew our boundaries and we stayed within them. But without a doubt, when my original love’s peer would leave after the spring, my heart belonged exclusively to my love.

I’ll admit, there were times were it was tough to love her. When I was in high school, for example, my original love went through some very tough times. Times that demanded my utmost loyalty. She was changing, attempting to find her place amongst her peers, and sadly, often failing. Yet never once did I doubt my commitment to her. It was her and I for life.

Years and years past like proverbial sands in the hourglass. From various military outposts to foreign nations to college campuses, I would tell every one who was interested that she and I were an item. And when she did find her place and attempted to be the talk of the town, we celebrated together, even though her try came up a bit short. Despite the trials and tribulations, we lied together, cried together, and I swore I hoped we died together.

A few years ago, as a matter of fact, my feelings for my original love received a “shot in the arm” as she focused on being more successful and no longer held herself back relative to her peers. She cleaned herself up, rid herself of those who held her down, and began to talk with a newfound confidence. And I found it all very, very attractive.

Following my stint in college, I moved to the Tampa area. For the last 10 years, Tampa has been a distant home of another of my original love’s peers. For the sake of clarity I’ll call her D’Raya (pronounced Dee-Ray-ah). I had heard of D’Raya, but didn’t think she was all that. Not to brag, but D’Raya looked kinda rough and didn’t quite compare to my original love on any level. As far as I was concerned, my relationship could not have been better.

So the first year I moved to Tampa I went to D’Raya’s house once. It was no big deal. We hung out, it was cool. Then this year, I saw my original love at D’Raya’s house as well as other places as she traveled through Florida this spring. Our time together was as it always was. We laughed, we cheered, we had a great time.

Slowly however, D’Raya started to win me over. I don’t know what it was about her. Perhaps it was her youthfulness. Perhaps it was her potential. Perhaps I saw the same thing in her I saw in my original love years ago. I even thought enough to reference D’Raya’s name in the description of my blog. Worst of all, throughout this year I spent more time with her than I had ever spent with my original love.

Now I feel a pain beyond guilt. My original love is ruining her life, collapsing in a way few have ever. She is throwing it all away. How do I prove to her my love is still strong? We were to spend most of the fall together. A time to cheer and laugh and celebrate and frolic like old times. Now we might not get that chance.

I’m sorry and I know I am to blame.

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3 thoughts on “I’m to blame and I am sorry

  1. MCBias

    So you’ve driven her to this just to get your attention, eh? This was her last desperate attempt to get your heart back, and it seems to have succeeded. I see that once your current, younger flame rejected the lure of Satan, you decided to return to the original love…interesting timing.

    (For the record, I enjoy this type of post a lot (where you don’t know the true story unless you click the links or follow closely), and like to make it myself on occasion. Good job!)

  2. Extra P.

    I… I’m flabbergasted. When I saw your love letter to her on SGS, I thought you guys were together forever.

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