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Introducing the New Florida State University Softball Coach … Me


Although the fine gentlemen of usually do a great job of keeping the Florida State faithful up to speed on the FSU softball program, they are sadly lacking on the lastest development in the search for a new Head Coach.

That’s right, I still have some strings in Tallahassee. There are a few bridges I didn’t burn down, for emergency purposes of course.

What the guys at don’t want you to know is that I applied for the Softball Head Coaching position. What they fail to tell you is that I was told I would receive a Super Squirrel Ultra Top Secret offer from the university, details of which I can not disclose.

But for those curious as to whether or not I have what it takes to coach softball, let’s take a look at Florida State University job opening number 25613 and see how I stack up:

A Bachelor’s degree and two years of appropriate work experience.

(Check. As a matter of fact I got my Bachelor’s from FSU – bonus points for me.)

Knowledge of sports medicine as it pertains to the training and performance of student-athletes.

(Check. I’ve been reading Will Carroll‘s stuff for over a year.)

Skills in the application of coaching methods to motivate the student-athlete in sports academic performance and in life’s experience.

(Check. When I quit my local softball team – see? more experience – a couple of guys said they would miss my upbeat enthusiasm. To be modest, I’m a fan of the rally cap.)

Knowledge of NCAA, ACC, and University rules regulations. This position requires a police background check.

(Check, again. I worked for the university while I was a student. I know a whole bunch of loopholes, er …, academic possibilities. And as for the NCAA, just think of the most tyrannical, nonsensical rule possible, and that’s the NCAA. So check, once again.)

Intercollegiate coaching experience at the Division I level.

(Only preferred, right? Let’s leave that box blank.)

This position is responsible for the management and administration of all phases of a sports program in a manner that upholds the philosophy, mission, and objectives of the Department of Athletics.

(Win, win, win. Got it.)

Develop, coordinate, and direct all phases of the women’s softball program as it pertains to personnel (including hiring and supervision of assistant coaches, staff, undergraduate/graduate assistants and volunteers) and their responsibilities, budgeting, scheduling, travel, meals, scholarship allocation, recruiting, scouting, purchase and care of equipment, coaching, giving appropriate direction to student-athletes as it relates to academics, while adhering to all NCAA, ACC, Athletic Department, and University rules and regulations.

(Wow. That’s a lot to do. But I am multi-versatile and have great tremendous coaching upside. Did I mention I am also synergistic?)

Promote women’s softball through community events and public relations activities.

(That’s easy. Car washes and bake sales. Car washes and bake sales. If not, I’ll beat the door with Title IX. Give me some of that football money, Bobby. It’s not like you are winning anyway.)

Work with the Director of Athletics in conveying policy or its interpretation.

(I think the AD will be a little more concerned with the well-doings of the football team to be occupied with me. But if not, that’s what booster money is for. Hooray Boosters!)

In keeping with the University policy for equal opportunity and pluralism, the coach will provide a climate and culture that brings together and promotes through education, all individuals without regard to their background, race, origins, gender, culture, religions, beliefs, physical, or mental abilities.

(Umm…. does this mean I have to let all sorts of people on my softball team? What about drag queens? What about this guy? Or better yet …)

(Yup. This job is so mine.)


3 comments on Introducing the New Florida State University Softball Coach … Me

  1. Not only am I behind you on this, I am absofuckinglutely behind you. Not only do i love softball, but I support anyone to get involved with their higher learning institutions. Jeez, why do people get doctorates if it isn’t to bang undergrad chicks?

    Above and beyond that, I am going to lend you one of Bruce Paine’s “isms” that took the Bloomington softball leagues by storm. When your club is at bat with two outs, wait for the quiet moment right before the first pitch, then yell “Let’s puke and RALLYYYYY!”

    There you go, you can keep that one.

  2. What happened to Dr. JoAnne Graf? She wrote me an angry, two-page, single-spaced letter full of run-on sentences a few years back. Just for writing this:
    I treasure that letter and keep it on my dresser. She must have thought it was pretty good too. She sent a copy of it to Texas’ Women’s AD Chris Plonsky.

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