We are gathered here today to bury those who were among the ranks of the subpar. Those who were not the meek, but far from the bourgeoisie. They range from the just above pathetic to just at the cusp of the median. Sadly under average, they drifted meaninglessly through their meager existence, too often falling on the wrong side of the line dividing victim and victory.
Some of today’s departed are those with hope, some sadly are not. They include the confused, disparaged, and the disappointed. Some awoke with the greatest of intentions, only to see their dreams shattered by the cold fist of time.
Dear Great Creator Doubleday, please take these poor souls in to your loving bosom. They have become the flotsam and jetsam of the world, and their loved ones yearn only that their lives end in peace and without any necessary suffering. For they and their loved ones have suffered enough.
To the 2009 Cleveland Indians: You began with as good a chance as any. The adoring fans of a heartthrob pushing you to greater heights. Then it all came crashing down. Even the heartthrob broke a few. You bid sweet farewell to your pride and joy, cashing in when the market was high. Before your death you began to resemble your Hollywood doppleganger. May you and your California Penal League squad rest in peace. May you rest in peace.
To the 2009 San Diego Padres: Like those native warriors of the wahoo, you too bid farewell to a blue chip, a homegrown mainstay who had been your most recognized commodity. Now, although you had your new hero, named from the spouse of the Champion of Brotherly Love, you placed your bets on a mortal son of a legend, a White battery, and the patron saint of the super gutsy vertically challenged. May you rest in peace.
To the 2009 Cincinnati Reds: Guided by a mad man with the philosophies of the wayward past, you were caught between the stalwarts of yesteryear and the prospects of the future. Many claimed you may have showed potential, but with your confused general, you had no chance. Now your loved ones must reconcile with the fact that all they have is memoirs of a machine. May you rest in peace.
To the 2009 New York Mets: You were the biggest disappointment money could buy. That has been your legacy, as your ancestors were of the same breed. Admittedly, you limped more often than you walked, but even when you walked, you had no direction. Now you again struggle in the shadow of an Empire hoping for miracles or amazin’ era. May you rest in peace.
To the 2009 Toronto Blue Jays: Once again you were led by a cowboy, although you sought to send him and the horse he rode in on far out of town. When that failed, you shed a former under performing contestant in a longball contest. Other than these not-so-precious moments, you had little identity. May your future generations be the beacon of success in the Great White North. May you, however, rest in peace.
To the 2009 Houston Astros – Middling in mediocrity in the Lonestar State, you are a far cry from the days of the Killer B’s. Now you search for a new identity, firing the man we never knew led you. May you remember the Alamo and rest in peace.
To the 2009 Chicago White Sox – Also playing in the shadow of a more famous neighbor, you barely had a chance for success. You shimmied off a possible hitting legend and brought in an injured ace. You continue in the land of little hope with run down parts and a hodgepodge of has beens or never will bes. May you rest in peace.